The Misadventures of p0rn Sigma

SPOILERS AHEAD I will spoil a few things about Mega Man X7, and this article is a bit sexual. So if you dislike spoilers and have not played Mega Man X7, or never went to public school, please hit that button at the top of your browser with an arrow pointling left with the word "BACK".

Sigma has just been getting worse and worse since Mega Man X. Okay, the Wolverine form was cool, and the Grim Reaper form was actually better than whatever he was supposed to be in X3. But nothing trumps his classic Dark Jedi form. In X6 he's clothed in rags, makes disgusting coughing noises, and talks in 1337 5P33K. I guess Capcom felt the 1337 5P33K was a bit much, so they took that part out but keep the slum theme by making him a hooker instead of a bum, and thus p0rn Sigma was born.

I went two entire playthroughs of Mega Man X7 without noticing these things. Suddenly, I hook my Playstation 2 into my computer, and sex just starts flying at me from every which way. I enter the battle with Sigma, and suddenly his introduction takes on a whole new meaning. Add this to the music playing during said introduction sounding better fit to a scene of Jessica Rabbit twirling an overly long necklace and rocking her hips back and forth than a robot who wants your blood making threats, and you've got a recipe for a pastry of fear that not even Eternal Darkness could bake, although Condemned maybe could.

Look out! I'm firing!

Engage the battle. At first, I called Sigma "Gungrave Sigma". Not sure where I got it from, but that's what I called him. I soon realized the problem of the naming. I could very well be wrong, but I don't think Gungrave had a gun his own size that screamed "compensating for something" with rainbow flashing neon lights. And just look at the gun. It doesn't just scream "compensating for something", it also says "Capcom is pulling a Disney". This isn't the last you'll see of this. For the Mega Man X7 Sigma, no longer "Gungrave Sigma" but now "p0rn Sigma" is the gift that didn't know when to quit giving.

For Sigma's second form, we're magically transported high into the sky above what looks like a hurricane. He's very big, and has a variety of attacks which include a barrage of destructible fireballs, an annoying fist slam which is very likely to send you flying off the stage and to your death if he nails you, firing balls of plasma and fire, and shooting an enormous laser out of a gem in his lower waist.

Behold! THE P0RN BEAM!

I don't know if Capcom meant it to look like what it does, but I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going through Capcom's head when they made that laser come from where it does. Maybe it was meant to be, because he has these two nobs coming out of the gem. You might be able to see one in the provided picture. He has another one on the other side. What the hell are those supposed to be, exactly? And it knocks Axl onto his back. Sigma wants Axl. Sigma wants a little boy... well, okay, so Axl's supposed to be a teenager. Close enough.

...

Holy crap, I know who Capcom enlisted to design this Sigma!

I bet if Capcom also let him write the ending, it would have gone something like...

Axl: This way! Hurry!

Axl: Hmm, maybe now I should look down the hall to make sure it's safe. *turns around*

Axl: ...!!!

Axl: AAAAGGGH!!! NOOOO!!!! STAY AWAY FROM ME! *BEEOO ZAP BEE BEE BEEOO*

Sigma: Ahahahaha! You're coming with me, you little cutie! *snatches Axl*

Axl: NO!!! X! ZERO! HELP ME!

Zero: This is getting creepy, X.

X: Wanna leave the kid as bait and run for it?

Zero: Right behind ya!

Axl: Oh, fine, I'll do it myself! *Tai Kwon Does Sigma out a window*

Okay, while we don't actually get to see Axl throw Sigma out a window, we do get something that's worse than Sigma hitting on Axl.

Revenge, indeed.

Sigma decides to have his way with Red, who is actually Axl in disguise. Sigma is about to unknowingly get what he wanted since the start of the game, but gets shot in the face before he makes his move. Go Axl.

And yet he still manages to be a flying leap past Drunken Hobo Sigma.