The movie starts out with the credits alternating with an assortment of shadow puppets as a baby giggles. Given the way it moves, I think this one's supposed to be some kind of bird.

Then the title screen appears

A monster of sorts?

Bunnies!

A dog.

A different dog that sticks its tongue out.

It looks like the first one, but it moves like a crab.

A rooster.

A swan. Fade to black follows. The very beginning ain't bad at all, but then it all goes to hell.

Fast forward 30 years. Akiko and Emi are sitting in some kind of desert, talking about what a bum Kazuo is.

Here's Kazuo, and judging by the background he's not in a desert

...curiously, nobody ever tells Kazuo why it's closed up. Nobody also ever explains who the hell these people are supposed to be. They seem to be tailors.

Well, except here, otherwise there'd be no movie.

Okay, from here on out the movie becomes really shaky on the whole Mamiya thing. According to this conversation "Mamiya" is the family name, not the name of the wife. But for the rest of the movie, everyone refers to the woman as Mamiya. Eh?

So let it be. If Ichirou wanted it out in the open, it would have been there.

So there, nya.

Now get out before I call security!

Nevermind that "TV" isn't really a word, but still. Make like a tree and get out of here!

Wow, Kazuo actually seems hurt by that.

Mr. Dude runs up to Mr. Guy, puts his face right up to his shoe, and tells him what's going on.

Mr. Guy empties out his shoe right on the floor.

He's still pouring.

Yup, still pouring

Stiiiill pouring....

...damn that's a lot of sand.

Pickleman?

Pickleman puts his shoe back on. When he stops pouring just before this little shift, you can see there's STILL sand in it.

Didn't that other dude just say that?

No, I'm doing an exploration of a haunted mansion.

Mmm, haunted mansions...

WTF?

Even Kazuo looks like he's about to burst out laughing at this. Either that, or the actor just couldn't keep a straight face.

Yeah right.

I wouldn't be talking about forcefulness if I were wearing a hat like that.

...maybe...

...well, I guess that rules out that theory.

...On the other hand...

And how would you know?

Maybe he's just rusty.

What?

Taguchi's first line is quite possibly the most frightening thing in the entire movie.

Babysitter, yeah...

Emi or Asuka? And are you hitting on a little girl when you're married? Whaaaaa?

Having failed with Emi, Taguchi jumps into the jeep and snoops on Asuka, who appears to be napping.

Here's a nice closeup of the gloves Taguchi's wearing in the movie, but got scrapped for the game.

Peek-a-boo!

I'm not sure if that was for snooping on her, or for the babysitter comment.

Okay, I swear these guys are tailors.

Here it comes...

BUM BUM BUUUUUM!

With absolutely no development, just Taguchi hitting on Emi, Mr. Dude and Mr. Guy decide to hand over the key.

Oh, the door could close behind them, the ceiling could collapse, and and there could be naked boil-infested cutlass-weilding pus-squirting maniacs running around.

Well, the stories are fake, because there are no boil-infested maniacs running around in the movie.

Ooookay guys, back off, you're about to trump the babysitter comment.

What, about the maniacs?

He means he's risking a bunch of lives to see if there's naked men with cutlasses running around.

So naive.

Yeah, everybody will be relieved that the haunted mansion isn't full of naked men with acne.

What, that you've got a house full of... oh, forget it.

You'd expect some kind of creepy tone to start playing, but instead a happy-go-lucky tune that I don't recognize from the game starts playing.